Oh boy, where do I even start? As a woman in my mid-thirties, you'd think I'd have my shit together, but most days the reality is very different, and in fact, the struggle of being a grown-up is very real.
The prime of your life some might say. But as someone in the official mid-thirties club, I wanted to express my grievances about being an adult and how it's not all that it's cracked up to be.
Whilst sitting and having a coffee at 5 am one Saturday morning, I came up with a list of the crappiest things about being an adult. I know that the idea was heavily influenced by the time of day it came into my head but let's just go with it!
Starting in no particular order let's begin with number one out of the 5 worst things about being a grown-up.
1. Tired, dehydrated and no longer asked for ID
Ah yes, the joys of ageing. At 35 (almost 36), I'm officially closer to my forties than my twenties and can no longer rely on youth being on my side to look fresh-faced and rested. The fine lines and wrinkles are creeping in and I'm increasingly researching how to save my face from looking like I've been on a week-long drinking binge. I currently have my eye on a jade roller as the answer to my problems.
A slow and steady invasion of exhaustion has crept its way in and won't seem to leave, and the staff in Morrisons now spend less than a second clocking my face as I buy my weekend wine.
The latest 'teenage filter' on TikTok is also a depressing confirmation of how you really do look your age. The young face you can remember in your head and what you think you look like no longer resembles reality.
2. Spending money on the DULLEST crap
I'm no longer a carefree twenty-something who can blow their entire pay on a night out. I have bills to pay, retirement to plan for, and a mortgage to worry about. What makes this even more fun I hear you say? A cost-of-living crisis of course! Luckily, I really like spending £5 on butter and tackling old ladies for the last box of eggs.
When will the disposable income come back? I miss it.
3. What the f**k is 'me' time?
Now this part is for all the parents out there. If you're living your best life without children, then proceed to number 4, or go grab a coffee and have some chill time, you deserve it.
Remember the days when you could just lounge around all weekend, binge-watch Netflix, go for brunch, or have a wander in town with no real plans? Yeah, those days are long gone. Now I'm lucky to find time to take a shower without a tiny human barging in or eat a sandwich without another mouth hanging off of it. Now I only have one child, I'm presuming those of you with multiples eat in a dark cupboard to avoid starvation.
Yes, I love my child but I am also mentally taking notes of all the things I can seek revenge on when he's an adult. Number 1 on my list will be to wake him at 5 am crying and asking for a biscuit.
4. Oh hi sausage roll belly!
I liked it when I had a metabolism that actually worked and hadn't given up the will to live. Enough said.
5. Mid-Life Crisis
Officially being in my mid-thirties definitely has some mid-life crisis vibes. Now I haven't gone all out, had a facelift and found myself a younger bloke, but there has been some definite questioning about life's purpose. The fact that I made a complete U-turn in my career in the past year is probably not a coincidence.
Realising that to repeat another 35 years takes me to the ripe age of 70 and that's a daunting thought. Maybe it's time to write a will?
To be honest, being an adult is not for the faint-hearted. As a teenager, you can't wait to be an adult. Really what we meant was, we can't wait to be in our twenties - young, attractive, earning money, no heartburn, minimal hangovers and eating a Maccies 4 times a week without a problem.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not all doom and gloom about being a full-blown adult and there are some definite advantages, one of which is giving less of a toss about what others think. It's good to feel secure in who I am as a person, even if that person is a slightly squidgy, tired version of her former self.
Here's to all the adults who are pretending to look like they know what they're doing and have their shit together. When really, we just want to be back in our parent's house, updating our top 10 favourite songs on Myspace and eating Poptarts.
Maybe forty-year-olds are having a good time?